Part 26 of 31 Things Americans Should Think About Before Moving Abroad: Life Passages

Darien Wilson
May 4
4 min read

Births, Birthdays, Graduations, Weddings, and Deaths are Different Abroad

If you are thinking about moving abroad, you probably expect some cultural differences. But one place where you might really feel like a fish out of water is in how people celebrate—or mourn—life’s biggest milestones in your new country. And one of the most emotionally taxing challenges of living abroad is having to miss these milestones for loved ones back home.

I am Darien, an American who moved to the Netherlands, and this is Part 26 of my 31-part series: 31 Things Americans Should Consider When Planning a Move Abroad.

Today’s topic is how living abroad impacts life passages like births, birthdays, graduations, weddings, and deaths.

Births

I am no longer in the stage of life where friends are having weddings and baby showers every weekend. But I do know that like nearly everything, these traditions look a little bit different abroad.

For example, when a baby is born in the Netherlands, there’s a tradition of serving beschuit met muisjes—a rusk topped with sugared anise seeds. The muisjes are usually pink or blue to indicate whether it's a boy or a girl.

While a food tree is common in the U.S. after a baby is born, where friends create a schedule to provide a month or so of homemade meals, this is less typical in the Netherlands, where new moms get professional help at home from a kraamzorg. In the U.S., a postpartum doula is a luxury only the wealthy can afford, but in the Netherlands, it is an expense covered by Dutch health insurance. Just about everyone I've heard form who has experienced the helps of a kraamzorg has nothing but high praise for them.

Birthdays: The Guest of Honor Brings the Cake

In the United States, when it is your birthday, someone else might throw a party for you.

But in the Netherlands? You throw your own party. And if the celebration happens at work or with your sports team, you bring the cake.

At first, this felt strange. But I have come to appreciate it—especially since it means I always get the kind of cake I actually want.

Cake in the Netherlands tends to be much denser than the fluffy cakes we typically eat in America. If I want to make one of my old recipes, I have to special order American flour so it rises normally. Just one of the many little ways life abroad is a little more complicated.

Additionally, when it is your birthday in the Netherlands, expect everyone in your family to be congratulated by your Dutch friends and neighbors.

Birthdays are just one example of how life passages are different as an American Abroad, and this one is pretty inconsequential. Others tend to weigh more heavily.

Graduations

One of my favorite little Dutch traditions is hanging a backpack from the flagpole out front when someone graduates. It's a lighthearted way for your graduate to show their pride to the neighborhood.

Funerals: When You Don’t Know What to Say or Do

Recently, a neighbor passed away. His children notified the neighborhood through our local WhatsApp group.

I was shocked—and then immediately overwhelmed by questions:

What do I say? What do I do? What’s appropriate - and what isn't?

We received an invitation to bring a candle to the funeral. What sort of candle? Where does one purchase such a candle? I asked around - was I unaware of the funeral candle store? My Dutch friends were equally bewildered - they had not heard of this custom, either. Sometimes differences are cultural, but sometimes they're just individual. As a newcomer, it can be hard to know which is which.

After three years in the Netherlands, I still often find myself in situations where I am unsure of the cultural norms. And in moments of grief, when emotions are high, the pressure to get it “right” can feel enormous.

As an American Abroad, You Will Also Miss Life Passages Back Home

Beyond learning how to navigate new traditions, one of the hardest parts of moving abroad is missing major milestones in your home country.

You will miss births, graduations, weddings, retirement celebrations, and funerals.

Sometimes you can attend, but sometimes there just isn't enough advance notice to make it work. Sometimes it just doesn't work out with your school or work schedules, or your budget, or maybe even your health. You feel like you're letting folks down when you can't make it for these important milestones - and they will be forced to miss yours, as well.

This is one of the real trade-offs of living abroad—not just adapting to a new culture’s way of celebrating, but learning how to grieve, celebrate, and show up for the people you love from far away.

I often think of my ancestors, who struck out for a new land in America, never to see their families again. Staying in touch with their family via the very slow postal service, if at all. And I'm grateful that we live in a time of free internet calling and video chats. But the truth is that nothing is the same as physically being in a room together. And sometimes not being able to be there is very painful.

Final Thoughts

If you are navigating life passages as an American abroad, give yourself grace. These moments—both joyful and painful—highlight just how much culture shapes our emotional lives.

Living abroad can be amazing. But it is also tremendously challenging, especially for those of us who move later in life.

You will find ways to stay in touch. You will create your own rituals, and you may find the new rituals abroad make as much or more sense to you as the ones you were raised with. And over time, you will learn how to honor life’s milestones on both sides of the border.

Did you find this helpful? Are you planning a move abroad? Work with me to make your move from a place of clarity and organization.