Part 23 of 31 Things Americans Should Think About Before Moving Abroad: Etiquette in a New Country Can Surprise You
- Darien Wilson
- 6 days ago
- 3 min read
Manners Matter—Learn the Local Dos and Don’ts for a Smoother Transition
When you move abroad, you will make plenty of mistakes. Some are harmless, but others? Might make people curse you.
I am Darien, an American who moved to the Netherlands, and this is Part 23 of my 31-part series: 31 Things Americans Should Consider When Planning a Move Abroad.
Today’s topic is etiquette in a new country—because what’s polite at home might be rude abroad.
That Time I Was Accidentally Rude For A Year
In the U.S., many people carry around a large bottle of water and/or a coffee in the morning. Americans love to stay hydrated, especially where I lived, in dry Colorado. Just about everyone has an emotional support water bottle.
Not so in the Netherlands. A full year into living in the Netherlands, I learned about a Dutch custom: one should offer tea or coffee to anyone who enters one's home.
Not just dinner guests or close friends. Not just in the morning.
Everyone, at every hour.
The chimney sweep? Coffee.
The internet repair person? Coffee.
Someone stopping by for two minutes at four o'clock in the afternoon? Still coffee.
And if you don’t? You might seriously offend them.
After I learned of this custom, I asked a friend who works in heating repair what he thought of folks who don't offer him coffee. He said if someone doesn’t offer him coffee when he walks in their door, his first thought is: “F*** you.”
Cue my horror as I mentally replayed every cheerful interaction I’d had with Dutch service providers since I moved in...and realized I had probably offended at least a dozen people.
Still embarrassed.
Still recovering.
Other Etiquette Quirks That Surprised Me
Congratulating People on Someone Else’s Birthday
In the Netherlands, when it is my husband’s or child’s birthday, my Dutch friends congratulate me.
This custom is as normal to Dutch people as it is confounding to Americans. To me, it does make sense to congratulate a mom on giving birth and raising children, but a husband? That credit goes to my mother-in-law, not me, in my mind. But I can tell from the sincerity in their voices and expressions that Dutch people are genuinely happy for me that it is my loved one's birthday. (My Dutch friends are so nice.)
Funeral Etiquette: Condolences for Everyone
Sadly, we recently lost a neighbor. At his funeral, my neighbors said, "gecondoleerd," to everyone in the room, offering condolences each other and me. In the U.S., condolences are typically only offered to the immediate family of the deceased. But after my initial surprise, I found the Dutch custom heartwarming, because if you're attending a funeral, there is a good chance you're sad, too.
American Abroad? Learning Etiquette in a New Country Requires Humility
If you are an American abroad adjusting to the rules of etiquette in a new country, prepare to feel like an oaf now and then. It comes with the territory.
Especially if you move in midlife, it can be jarring to suddenly get things “wrong” after decades of knowing what to do in social situations. It may impact your very identity.
But here’s the good news: one day you’ll be the confused newcomer, and the next, you’ll be the seasoned local watching another newbie else make the same mistakes you did.
It’s the cycle of life as an immigrant.
Final Thought
Understanding the local do’s and don’ts is more than just a gesture of respect—it’s how you build trust, blend in, and avoid the awkward sting of violating unspoken cultural rules.
Whether it’s offering coffee, navigating funerals, or getting congratulated on someone else’s birthday, learning everyday etiquette as an American abroad in a new country will keep you humble.
And that might be the best souvenir of all.
Did you find this helpful? Are you planning a move abroad? Work with me to make your move from a place of clarity and organization.
© 2025 Darien Wilson All Rights Reserved
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